Another Shot In the Dark

Back in 2011 I started a music web site for myself and my band that included a blog, and for a good long while I was pretty good about updating it at least once a month. I have always loved writing, and I always have lots of thoughts and feelings that I could share. Most of the content I would post at that time was centered around my music, but every so often I would venture off-course and talk about other topics of interest. For a variety of reasons though, I tend to go through these sudden bouts of shutting down emotionally and my ability to communicate my thoughts and ideas becomes labored. Inevitably, my previous attempt at maintaining a blog gradually slowed to a complete halt.

A little over a year ago I decided that I ought to undergo some testing for ADD/ADHD. I'd always felt that there was something amiss with me and my cognitive functioning. As a student I struggled a lot in school, both academically and socially. Even though I always knew that I was intelligent and generally agreeable and well liked, I always felt like I seemed to fall short of all expectations, self-imposed and otherwise. Of course the results of my testing revealed that I do indeed have ADD (not so much the hyperactive part, but the difficulty with focus and attention is very real.) Looking back now it seems so obvious that this was an issue, you'd wonder why I never got tested or did anything about it until I was in my forties.

I remember an incident when I was in college, when a dear professor of mine who saw how much I was struggling encouraged me to go visit the student resource center in the library to try to get some assistance. He meant well, of course, but there was no way he could know the feeling of dread that went through me at that moment. I wanted to try and heed his advice, and I attempted to comply and pursue this course that would have been of great benefit to me. I tell you: no less than forty-five minutes I stood outside the door to the resource center on that day, petrified with fear, pacing back and forth and sweating - but I could not bring myself to knock on the door. I was terrified!

The thought of having to make myself vulnerable enough to admit that there was something wrong with me, to have to show myself for who I really am and ask for help, it was just too much. As frustratingly infuriating as my struggle to keep up and compete was, it was my struggle; it was all I knew.

We all reach a breaking point I suppose, or a series of breaking points, in which we realize that the life we have been allowing ourselves to live isn't big enough for us anymore, that the shoes we've been walking around in just don't fit. Maybe you don't know exactly where to go or what to do, but you know that what you've been doing isn't working anymore and it's time for something new.

So I've been growing and learning, day by day, trying to accentuate my strengths and work through my weaknesses. I try to force myself to look at the world through new eyes everyday and to stay focused on the people and things that are really important to me. I also try to remember to be grateful for the many blessings I have received and the incredible experiences I have had on my life's journey thus far. Even the hardest of times brought me meaningful life lessons that I couldn't trade in for all the world.

Today I find myself, as so many of us do, at a crossroads in my life. The events of the last several months have done much to shift my perspective and force my focus in new directions. It's scary, of course, but we can know that on the flip-side of every crisis is an opportunity - opportunities for change and growth. The world is crying out for change right now, everywhere you look. In order for us to be the change we wish to see, we must hang on to hope and stay focused on the things that are real.

My reality right now: I am a forty-six year old local musician trapped in a world bound by social distancing. While I've been blessed to have the time and the means to do a lot of writing, composing and recording of new music, the opportunity to earn income from music has been greatly diminished. I know a lot of my fellow musicians are feeling the pains of this as well, and we all have been left to scramble and try and figure out what the "new normal" is going to look like for us.

For me, I think my new reality is going to be one in which I attempt to truly balance all of my skills, passions and talents, to harness them and shape them into something that will keep my lights on and my fridge full as much as they keep my ADD-riddled mind occupied. Those who know me well know that music isn't the only trick I've ever had up my sleeve. I've long been interested things like art and writing. I've been a DJ and radio host, I've been in movies and plays. I've written poetry and short stories and I've written pieces for orchestras - there is always this temptation for me to look at my life and ask "what do I have to show for all of my work and sacrifice?"

In reality, there is much more than I could ever measure.

So here I am, sitting at my computer ready to hit the "publish" button and start a new blog. This is another attempt, another shot in the dark to try and find my focus and be the inspired creator that I know I can be. Here I am trying to sort through all the pieces of this puzzle and make them into a cohesive picture. In spite of the grim realities that we all face right now, we still live in a world full of opportunity. There are so many opportunities, for example, for someone who can write. Well - that's me! I can write, but who will know it if I don't have anything to show that I can?

I'll pop on here just as often as I am able to and share whatever random thoughts are in my heart or on my mind. I'll post art and music and poetry, and I'll ramble about politics and social justice. Sometimes I'll get heavy, sometimes I'll keep it light. In any case, it should be interesting, and I invite you to come along for the ride.